“Hire a teenager while they still know everything.”
By Nan Kurz, PhD, LPC | SOAR Educational and Mental Health Therapy | Bergen County, NJ
In 1980, my mother hung a sign in her kitchen that read something along the lines of “Hire a teenager while they still know everything.” Now that I have two teenagers at home, I have never appreciated that humor more. If you are the parent of a high-achieving teen — whether they are an athlete, musician, scholar, or performer — you probably know exactly what I mean.
Have you ever walked away from a conversation with your teenager wondering how a simple question about homework turned into a full-blown debate? Or noticed that your child, who can deliver a flawless piano recital or dominate on the lacrosse field, completely falls apart when things do not go according to plan at home? You are not imagining things, and you are definitely not alone.
Parenting a peak performer is a unique role that requires a specific skill set: patience, energy, and grit. But understanding why your teenager behaves the way they do — and knowing what tools are available to help — can transform your relationship and your family’s well-being. That is where EMDR therapy enters the picture.
The Science Behind Your Teenager’s Behavior
Before we can talk about solutions, it helps to understand what is happening inside your teenager’s brain. The answer to most of the frustrating behaviors you are witnessing comes down to neurodevelopment — and the fact that the teenage brain is literally under construction.
The Developmental Imbalance
From a developmental perspective, the brain systems responsible for motivation, reward, and emotional reactivity mature much earlier than the regions that support impulse control, perspective-taking, and flexible thinking. The prefrontal cortex — the part of the brain responsible for executive functions like planning, decision-making, and regulating emotions — does not fully develop until the mid-twenties.
This imbalance helps explain why your peak-performing teenager may appear perfectionistic, emotionally reactive, or rigid despite high levels of competence in their area of expertise. In practical terms, they do not yet have the full neurological capacity to consistently think before acting or reacting.
EMDR helps teens release stress and build confidence at home and in their performance world.
All-or-Nothing Thinking and Performance Identity
Cognitive development also plays a significant role. Many high-performing teens think in all-or-nothing terms and tie their self-worth directly to outcomes rather than effort or growth. They carry an intense inner drive for perfection — which, by the way, includes needing to get the last word in every conversation.
As teenagers work to understand the world around them, they fight to be right about their opinions. This cognitive pattern is one reason we see political activism, passionate debate, and strong stances emerge during the teenage years. It is not defiance for the sake of defiance — it is a developing brain trying to assert its place in the world.
For parents, understanding this distinction is critical. Your teenager is not trying to make your life difficult. Their brain is wired to push boundaries, challenge authority, and test ideas. The question is: how do you meet them where they are while equipping them with better tools for emotional regulation?
What Is EMDR Therapy (And Why Should Parents Care)?
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, or EMDR, is a structured therapeutic approach originally developed to treat trauma and PTSD. Today, it is recognized by the World Health Organization and numerous professional mental health organizations as a leading treatment for a wide range of emotional and psychological challenges — including anxiety, depression, and performance-related stress.
How EMDR Works
During an EMDR session, a trained therapist guides the client through a series of bilateral stimulation exercises — typically involving guided eye movements, tapping, or auditory cues — while focusing on specific memories, thoughts, or body sensations. The process follows an eight-phase treatment protocol that helps the brain reprocess stuck or maladaptive memories so they no longer trigger overwhelming emotional responses.
Think of it this way: when a difficult experience gets “stuck” in the brain, it can continue to trigger anxiety, self-doubt, or emotional overreaction long after the event is over. EMDR helps the brain move that experience from a “raw” state into a fully processed memory — reducing its emotional charge and allowing the person to respond to similar situations with clarity instead of reactivity.
SOAR’s parent coaching helps families build stronger connections and reduce high-achievement pressure.
EMDR Is Not Just for Trauma
One of the biggest misconceptions about EMDR is that it is only for people who have experienced severe trauma. In reality, EMDR is highly effective for addressing the kind of everyday emotional burdens that peak-performing teens and their parents carry: performance anxiety, perfectionism, negative self-talk, fear of failure, and the stress of constantly operating at a high level.
At SOAR Therapy, EMDR is used to support both teens and parents in releasing the mental blocks that get in the way of showing up as their best selves — at home, in school, and in their performance world.
Learn more about EMDR for Peak Performance at SOAR Therapy →
How EMDR Therapy Helps Teenagers
Research consistently shows that EMDR is effective for children and adolescents. Studies published in the Journal of EMDR Practice and Research have demonstrated that EMDR matches or outperforms other leading therapies in both effectiveness and efficiency when working with young people ages 7 through 17.
EMDR uses bilateral stimulation to help the brain reprocess stress and emotional blocks.
Performance Anxiety and the “Yips”
For teen athletes, musicians, and performers, anxiety does not always look like what you would expect. Sometimes it shows up as avoidance, procrastination, anger, or sudden drops in performance. The “yips” — a term used in sports psychology to describe the sudden inability to perform a skill that was previously automatic — are often rooted in anxiety or a negative experience that has become lodged in the nervous system.
EMDR can help teens identify and reprocess the underlying experiences fueling their performance blocks, allowing them to return to competition or performance with renewed confidence and focus.
Emotional Regulation and Resilience
Teenagers who undergo EMDR therapy often develop significantly improved emotional regulation skills. Research has shown meaningful reductions in anxiety, depression, and emotional reactivity following EMDR treatment in adolescent populations. More importantly, many teens report feeling more in control of their responses and less overwhelmed by the pressures they face.
For peak performers, this translates directly into better outcomes — not because the pressure disappears, but because their relationship with pressure fundamentally changes.
EMDR International Association: EMDR Therapy and Teenagers →
EMDR Therapy for Parents: Yes, You Deserve Support Too
Here is something most people do not talk about: parenting a high-performing child is emotionally exhausting. The constant scheduling, the high-stakes competitions, the emotional volatility, and the pressure to “get it right” takes a real toll on parents.
Many parents of peak performers carry their own unprocessed stress, anxiety, and even old emotional patterns from their own childhood that influence how they respond to their teenager’s behavior. When your child pushes your buttons, it is not just about the present moment — it often triggers deeper emotional responses that have been building for years.
EMDR peak performance therapy helps teen athletes overcome the YIPS and mental blocks.
How Parent Therapy Works at SOAR
Parent therapy at SOAR is a supportive, therapeutic space where parents learn tools, gain clarity, and work through the stress, emotions, and challenges that come with raising a child — especially one with unique needs — while also taking care of their own emotional well-being. It is not about “fixing” the parent. It is about giving parents what they need so the whole family can function better.
When EMDR is incorporated into parent therapy, the results can be transformative. Parents often find they are able to respond to their teenager with more calm and patience. Instead of staying stuck in worry, overwhelm, or self-doubt, EMDR helps the mind process those responses so they stop taking over in the moment.
Explore the SOAR Parent Clarity Model →
Practical Strategies for Parenting Peak Performers
While EMDR provides deep therapeutic support, there are also everyday strategies parents can begin using right away to improve their relationship with their high-performing teenager:
1. Separate the Behavior from the Brain
When your teenager is reactive, rigid, or argumentative, remind yourself that their prefrontal cortex is still developing. Their behavior is not a reflection of your parenting — it is a reflection of their neurodevelopment. This reframe alone can reduce the emotional charge in heated moments.
2. Validate Before You Redirect
High performers often feel misunderstood. Before jumping to correction or problem-solving, try validating their emotional experience first. Statements like “I can see this is really frustrating for you” go much further than “You need to calm down.”
3. Focus on Effort, Not Outcomes
Help your teenager build an identity that is not solely tied to performance results. Celebrate the effort, the preparation, and the growth — not just the trophy, the grade, or the win. This helps counteract all-or-nothing thinking and builds long-term resilience.
4. Model Emotional Regulation
Your teenager is watching you more than you realize. When you manage your own stress, take breaks, and demonstrate healthy coping, you are teaching them more than any lecture could. This is one reason parent therapy is so impactful — it gives you the tools to lead by example.
5. Know When to Seek Professional Support
If your teenager’s anxiety, perfectionism, or emotional volatility is interfering with their daily life, relationships, or performance, it may be time to explore therapeutic support. EMDR therapy offers a structured, evidence-based path toward lasting change for both teens and parents.
Why SOAR Therapy for Your Family
Nan Kurz, PhD, LPC, is a licensed professional counselor with over 25 years in education and clinical practice. As a parent of middle and high school kids herself, Nan brings a rare combination of clinical expertise, educational knowledge, and real-world parenting experience to every session.
At SOAR Educational and Mental Health Therapy, located in Ridgewood, Bergen County, NJ, Nan specializes in trauma-informed care, high-achievement stress, and peak performance therapy. She integrates evidence-based approaches including CBT, EMDR, and performance enhancement strategies to support both psychological well-being and sustained excellence.
SOAR offers individual therapy, EMDR for Peak Performance, and the SOAR Parent Clarity Model — a 6-week program designed specifically for parents navigating the unique challenges of raising high-performing children.
View Nan Kurz’s credentials on Psychology Today →
In-network insurance accepted: Aetna, and Cigna. Both in-person and virtual sessions available.
Ready to Support Your Teen (And Yourself)?
Understanding your teenager’s brain is the first step. Getting the right support is the next. With the right tools, parents can help their children build resilience, emotional regulation, and a healthier relationship with performance — without diminishing ambition or drive.
AND… as I told my son the other day, I do know a little bit about the world!
Phone: (201) 458-0850 | Email: [email protected] | Location: 169 Dayton Street, Suite 7, Ridgewood, NJ 07450